


The Bandaid

by birds89birds



Series: OMGCP Cracktext Universe [4]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: 3.5k, Canon Compliant, Canon-Compliant Crack, Canon-Typical Drug Use, Crack, Group chat, Multi, Texting, Twitter, all this came from my own clumsiness, also i hate buzzfeed so if you like buzzfeed sorry i did them a little dirty, based off of a dumb bandaid i've had to use, bc i am a legend, holy shit, i am pleased to inform you i have no life, only bc their style of reporting is.... Not Good in my opinion, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:23:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23085463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birds89birds/pseuds/birds89birds
Summary: Shitty discovered this https://ibb.co/48bKwwR band aid. hijinks ensue
Relationships: Adam "Holster" Birkholtz & Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Adam "Holster" Birkholtz/Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Eric "Bitty" Bittle & Larissa "Lardo" Duan, Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, Larissa "Lardo" Duan & Jack Zimmermann, Larissa "Lardo" Duan/Shitty Knight, Shitty Knight & Jack Zimmermann, not them - Relationship, or - Relationship, who knows? - Relationship
Series: OMGCP Cracktext Universe [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1659184
Comments: 9
Kudos: 90
Collections: OMGCP Hockey But Fashion Discord, omg stream! please Fics





	The Bandaid

**Author's Note:**

> this is awfully written but do i care???? no!!!!

**Cult of the Zimmerbooty**

>Shitty I swear I can and will shave off  
your mustache.

>I have a game in Boston soon you   
know I can.

_Holster_

>Oh shit

_Ransom_

>ohhhh shit.

_Lardo_

>oh my god he actually fucking did it

>ICONIC

_Eric Bittle_

>Jack is VERY angry right now

>Jack: I have a game tonight I can’t just  
wear a pink band-aid with asses on it  
on my HAND I am alternate captain I  
should be exempt from juvenile  
pranks from a first-year law  
student but I guess this is Shitty we   
are talking about so here we fucking  
are.

>Shitty the leaf-pile you received previously   
will be nothing compared to Jack now

_Shitty_

>YES

>YESYESYESYES

_Ransom_

>shitty regal us with the tale of your latest  
prank.

_Holster_

>Deeeeeets

_Shitty_

>it was a dark and stormy night

>i was chilling with lardo on the roof of  
the Haus

>like usual

_Lardo_

>we were high

_Shitty_

>thanks lards

>anyways

>and she was telling me about weird  
stuff she’s seen in the asian food/  
general goods stores her mom takes  
her to

>including these wack-ass korean  
social media app characters that  
have their own merch?????

>kakao talk???

>anyways

>one of the characters

>forget the name

_Lardo_

>it’s called apeach

_Shitty_

>thanks lards

>haha repeat

>anyways

>apeach

>is a peach right???

>except they’re self-aware so there’s a  
bunch of ass jokes

>and since this is asia they have  
EVERYTHING

>including band-aids

_Holster_

>Shitty I love you

_Ransom_

>i love you more.

_Eric Bittle_

>Jack: I don’t love you Shitty

_Shitty_

>i mean that’s fair

>BACK TO MY STORY

>later

>i was trying to figure out how to get  
these band-aids for my own use

>but then

>BUT THEN

>i discovered you can buy them IN BULK

>so i knew what i had to do

>so

>i ordered about 300 of them

_Ransom_

>THREE HUNDRED???

_Holster_

>Finally using the trust fund for good

_Shitty_

>YOU BET I AM

>soon, they ARRIVE

>with a plan, i set into action

>and on another dark and stormy night

>i stay at jack’s apartment for some “bro   
bonding time”

>when in reality

>PRANK TIME

>so in the morning

>jack is at practice because he IS IN  
THE NHL HOLY FUCK MY BEST  
FUCKING BRO

>and so

>i search through every single drawer  
because privacy is for chumps

>or people without me for a best friend

>and replaced EVERY SINGLE BAND-  
AID

>WITH BRIGHT PINK ONES

>COVERED IN ASSES

>THIS HAPPENED A MONTH AGO

_Lardo_

>i could not have done better myself

>so what happened jack

>I was helping Bits make a pie, and I  
nicked myself peeling apples. It  
was bleeding so i went to get a band-  
aid and all I could find were your  
fucking joke ones. At least they’re   
good quality. 

**_Shitty_ ** _named the conversation “PEACH FINGER”_

_Shitty_

>OK BOYS AND LARDO I’M   
PREGAMING AND YOU SHOULD BE  
TOO

_Lardo_

>i’m helping him roll a blunt expect  
Harvard essay language and  
punctuation

_Shitty_

>YOU KNOW IT LARDY LARDS

>I told George and PR, they say you're   
gonna be in the room for the presser   
to answer for your crimes.

>If it is brought up.

_Shitty_

>I GET TO POTENTIALLY BE IN AN NHL   
PRESSER

>THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE

>I'M KIDDING FUCK THE MEDIA AND   
THEIR ENTITLEMENT TO PEOPLE'S   
PRIVATE LIVES ALSO THE FUCKING   
HETERONORMATIVITY

>Thanks Shits i feel so supported.

>Anyway it’s time for me to go to the  
changeroom.

_Holster_

>Changeroom

_Ransom_

>what else is it supposed to be   
called???

_Holster_

>Locker room

>Dressing room

>The Chamber

_Lardo_

>nah that’s just shitty

_Shitty_

>I feel it is best to inform you I am  
under the influence of both marijuana   
and alcohol.

_Lardo_

>the moment arrives

_Holster_

>THE CROSSFADE

_Ransom_

>THE CROSSFADEEEE!!!

_Shitty_

>Jack Zimmermann, I wish you luck on   
your game and may whoever pulled   
that juvenile prank on you be subject   
to being forced to participate in nude   
contact.

_Lardo_

>translation: good luck and i'm going to   
snuggle the fuck out of you later

>while naked

_Eric Bittle_

>SHITTY

>SOBER THE FUCK UP

_Holster_

>Oh fuck bitty swear

_Ransom_

>oh shit.

_Eric Bittle_

>YOU HAVE TO DO PRESS

>POTENTIALLY

_Shitty_

>Oh no, that is not good.

>I am too inebriated for that.

_Lardo_

>ok boys it's project "get shitty sober   
enough he doesn't look high if he   
goes on national television"

_Ransom_

>on it.

_Holster_

>Bittle, you're on food duty

>Doesn’t matter you’re in the WAG  
section, make it work

_Ransom_

>lardo, make sure he drinks plenty of  
water.

_Holster_

>He should have to piss himself every  
single break in play

_Lardo_

>thank god costco is right next to the   
arena

>and the fact we’re here so often no  
one gives a shit that i’m lugging in a  
costco-sized pack of water bottles

_Holster_

>THANK YOU JACK FOR THE VIP  
TICKETS

_Ransom_

>THANK YOU JACK

_Lardo_

>THANK YOU JACK

_Eric Bittle_

>THANK YOU JACK

_Shitty_

>I am grateful for your companionship  
Zimmermann.

_Eric Bittle_

>Oh my lord Shitty

_Shitty_

>What is a lord though?

_Chowder_

>THANK YOU JACK

_Nursey_

>THANK YOU JACK

_Dex_

>THANK YOU JACK

_Tangredi (“Tango”)_

>who’s jack?

_Shitty_

>Only the most eye-catching male  
specimen the world has ever seen.

>Also my platonic lover.

_Lardo_

>he’s sobering up

_Ransom_

>the game hasn't even started???

_Holster_

>Bro it’s Shitty he can recover from  
alcohol like Malarchuk in 1989

>Checking my phone one last time to  
let you know to bring Shitty to the  
locker room right as the game ends,  
PR will take him from there.

>Please don't watch the Malarchuk  
video it’s horrific.

_Shitty_

>JACKIE MY BOY

_Lardo_

>and… he’s just drunk again

_Eric Bittle_

>Update: food has been delivered

>I return to my lair

_Lardo_

>OK WE GET IT YOU GET SPECIAL  
SEATS

_Eric Bittle_

>Love you too <3

_Shitty_

>JACKIE WE SEE YOU WE SEE  
YOU

_Lardo_

>update to taddies and bitty: ransom  
and holster are currently preventing  
shitty from shaking the poor person next  
to us and yelling “THAT’S MY BEST  
FRIEND LOOK AT HIM GO”

_Holster_

>Mission failed

_Ransom_

>we’ll get ‘em next time.

_Shitty_

>JACK ZIMMERMANN THAT  
FUCKING TIP

>I JUST CAME IN MY PANTS

>RASK WAS SO IMPRESSED BY THE  
ZIMMERBOOTY HE STOOD IN SHOCK

_Tangredi (“Tango”)_

>wait jack’s Jack Zimmermann???

_Ransom_

>the fact you don't know the history of our  
illustrious team is a shame.

_Holster_

>I’d call it a fine but I think it is a failure on  
our parts

_Ransom_

>not your fault.

_Holster_

>All tadpoles comes to the Haus this weekend  
for a mandatory presentation

_Tangredi (“Tango”)_

>i knew that Jack Zimmermann was on the  
team but i didn't think that group chat Jack  
was Jack Zimmermann??

>i just thought he was a grumpy recluse or  
something

>he always looks angry in interviews

_Shitty_

>ONLY IN HIS FIRST YEAR

_Lardo_

>yep still shitfaced

>also no he just really doesn't like press

_Shitty_

>FUCK THE PRESS

>LOOK AT THOSE PASSES

>THE POISE

_Lardo_

>THE POWER

_Ransom_

>THE POSE

_Holster_

>THE PLAY

_Eric Bittle_

>Great job Jack you're playing really   
well!

_Holster_

>I feel like there’s a fine in there   
somewhere

_Ransom_

>we’ll take it to kangaroo court later.

_Lardo_

>what matters now is sobering up our  
favorite law student

>who is currently trying to get the crowd   
to sing killer queen for jack

_Eric Bittle_

>He’s succeeding.

_Shitty_

>JACK YOU’RE MY KILLER QUEEN

_Lardo_

>oh my god shits

>Ok make sure to bring Shits to the  
changeroom for the presser.

_Lardo_

>will do

_Shitty_

>UNHAND ME

**~~~~~~**

~~script-like dialogue because the author is a lazy asshole~~

reporter 1: Pretty good win against the bruins, any thoughts?

Robinson: We played well, all thanks to some amazing goaltending by Snowden. We need to improve our defense, especially our forwards.

[something pink is visible on Zimmermann’s hand]

reporter 2: Zimmermann, what is that on your hand?

Falconers, save Zimmermann: [Raucous laughter]

Zimmermann, with some anger: Give me a second. [away from mic] Can someone bring [expletive]?

[rustling from back, yelling, profane language, including, but not limited to, [expletive] KNIGHT GET THE [expletive] OVER HERE NO DONT TRY TO GET A PIGGYBACK OFF TATER FOR THE LOVE OF LORD STANLEY HIMSELF]

Unnamed person, decked out in falconers gear with short hair and a mustache (that has been colored blue and yellow) that could be likened to 70s pornstar: JACKIE MY BOY

Zimmermann: [muttering] at least he isn't naked [speaking towards reporters] we brought along my best friend BS Knight to explain why exactly i have this particular kind of band-aid on. Knight?

Knight: Just call me [expletive] you coward.

Zimmermann: Don't you call me a coward.

reporter 2: Zimmermann, is that his name?

Zimmermann: Unfortunately.

Knight: That’s fortunately to you! Would you like to hear the tale of my amazing triumph over my favorite member of Samwell Men’s Hockey?

reporter 3: Samwell is the college you went to and played hockey for, yes?

Zimmermann: Yeah. Knight was on the team with me, we graduated the same year.

Knight: And I made your life all the better! Anyways! I was hanging out with our illustrious manager Lardo when I discovered these [holds Zimmermann’s hand to Sportsnet camera, showing a band-aid covered in a peach-like characters and what appears to be buttocks] and well we’re not blind so I knew what i had to do!

reporter 3: Knight? What exactly did you do?

Zimmermann, angrily: He went through every drawer in my apartment to replace every single band-aid with this. He thinks he’s hilarious.

Knight: I like to think I am! Can’t not make a joke about the zimmerbooty!

reporter 4: Zimmermann what is your opinion on the phrase “Zimmerbooty”.

Zimmermann: No comment.

Knight: You know you can't live without it.

Zimmermann: Considering it’s my [expletive] no i can't.

[reporters in room begin to ask too many questions]

Martin: That is all the time we have today.

[Zimmermann begins to carry Knight away]

Knight, yelling: HA I GOT JAQUES TO SWEAR IN A PRESSER

Zimmermann: MY NAME IS NOT JAQUES! [expletive] when I said I would make the leaf pile look like a joke I meant it, well now I’m gonna make it look like a hug

Knight: ZIMMERMANN SNUGGLES

**BS KNIGHT INTERVIEW**

>Turns out Georgia knew something  
like that would happen, she just  
wanted to humanize me, and she  
knew PR could handle it.

>She even checked with my therapist.

>Still fucking pissed.

_Shitty_

>THAT WAS AWESOME

_Lardo_

>i can't wait for buzzfeed

_Holster_

>They love shit like this

_Shitty_

>you know what this occasion calls for

>NAKED SNUGGLES

_Lardo_

>CALLED IT

_Holster_

>God fucking dammit

_Lardo_

>you owe me

_Ransom_

>that we do.

>Lardo, Bittle, I have a plan. I'm making  
a chat with the two of you.

**Eric Bittle, Lardo**

>Where’s my plastic cling wrap?

>Oh, also, where can I find bulk  
Smucker’s jelly? I'm asking for a 

friend.

_Eric Bittle_

>Third drawer down to the left of  
the sink.

_Lardo_

>just buy out all the local stop-n-shop’s  
stocks

>Thanks.

**Eric Bittle**

>I also need to know how much liquid   
fits in my tub.

>80 gallons.

>How many jars of Smucker’s will I  
need to buy to fill an 80 gallon  
container?

>Oh sweet lord honey.

>You’d need 213.3333 of   
the big jars but I’d only get 213.

>If you can't find enough just make  
sure it adds up to under 10,240  
ounces

>Thanks Bits.

>Just make sure to wrap the tub  
well.

>Seal the seams with duct tape.

>Ok.

**BS KNIGHT INTERVIEW**

_Shitty_

>oh SHIT OH FUCK

_Lardo_

>alskladamshsja

_Ransom_

>oh my god.

_Holster_

>Jack takes his revenge seriously  
it seems

_Shitty_

>NOOOOOO

_Eric Bittle_

>I think i know what he’s doing.

>It’s great.

_Holster_

>DEETS

_Ransom_

>DEETS

_Nursey_

>DEETS

>You’ll find out soon enough.

_Lardo_

>ominous

_Shitty_

>i’m fucked

>Shitty, are you free soon?

_Shitty_

>oh fuck.

>yes i am my beautiful motherfucker  
we have a snuggle date

>three weeks? you have home games  
then

>Works for me.

>Sorry Bits.

_Shitty_

>ME AND MY PLATONIC SOULMATE  
HAVE A DATE

_Tangredi (“Tango”)_

>what is happening????

_Lardo_

>look up “bs knight interview”

>Shitty is the guy with the mustache

_Shitty_

>i’m still coming next week right?

_Lardo_

>yep

_A Week Later_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzsbiggestfan

I JUST HAD AN EXPERIENCE WITH @jackzimmer1 (1/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzsbiggestfan

i’m not sure many of you know this but i work in a stop and shop in providence (2/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

and i hear “all available employees to checkout 4” and i am like “oh shit????” bc that never happens (3/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

and so i go over because i am available and before i see anything i hear a bunch of sorrys in a mild french accent (4/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

so i turn the corner and i see JACK ZIMMERMANN ALTERNATE CAPTAIN OF THE PROVIDENCE FALCONERS LOOKING SHEEPISH (5/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

and in his cart is OVER 200 JARS OF JAM (6/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

“what the fuck????” my boss asks

“I’M SO SORRY MY FRIENDS TOLD ME TO GET THIS HERE I’M SORRY” 

“wait you’re that one hockey player with the weird friend” (7/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

YES EMERY HE IS

HE’S ALSO AN AMAZING HOCKEY PLAYER AND I LOVE HIM (8/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

IF YOU LIKE BOYS LIKE THIS BOY BC HE WILL LOVE YOU BACK (9/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

@falcslover11 NO I DID NOT GET AN AUTOGRAPH I AM A PROFESSIONAL (at work)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

“tabarnak, c'est un fan”  
french-speaking coworker: “haha oui. il est pas agaçant” (10/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

she’s helping me with these transcriptions

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

i just put that in google translate fuck you @averyspeakssss when would i NOT be professional

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Avery Lenoir** @averyspeakssss

@jlzbiggestfan 1) you don’t run register the day after gamedays because you won’t shut up about him

2) your twitter handle is “jlzbiggestfan”

_Twitter from Samsung_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

@averyspeakssss shut up

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

AND HE TALKED TO ME DIRECTLY (11/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

me: so why exactly are you buying (sees register) 213 jars of jelly?  
jlz: my friend shitty needs to know his place

which if you don’t know from the BS Knight Interview is Zimmer’s best friend. i love that for him (12/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

HE SAID THIS WITH AN ENTIRELY STRAIGHT FACE (13/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

should i mention he bought five rolls of plastic wrap and also 24 sticks of butter (14/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

“what are THOSE for?”  
“plastic wrap is for shitty, butter is for my partner, they bake. i’m sorry again to take up your time.” (15/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

JACK ZIMMERMANN HAS A GIRLFRIEND EVERYONE. MY FELLOW GAYS CRY WITH ME.

_Twitter from iPhone_

**GO FALCS** @falcslover11

@jlzbiggestfan CRYING

_Twitter from Android_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

SO MANY LOST OPPORTUNITIES

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Jack Zimmermann Stan** @genericfalcfan

Bisexuality is an option! Don’t lose hope!  
_Twitter from iPad_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

WE CANNOT LOSE HOPE

BUT ALSO WE GOTTA RESPECT HIS GIRLFRIEND

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

us:

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

but if he breaks up with her we’re open

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

@jackzimmer1 if you break up with your girlfriend i’m available

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

ANYWAYS back to my story.

so we get him checked out and he brings a shopping cart out, where a small blond guy and an asian lady start packing all of the jellies (15/?)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

he called them lardo and bitty it was weird???

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

he was laughing too???? jack “hockey robot” zimmermann??? and then they all got into a comically small red car and drove off (16/16)

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Jack Zimmermann ✓** @jackzimmer1

@jlzbiggestfan Haha.

_Twitter from Windows_

**Zimmerfann** @jlzbiggestfan

OH MY GOD JACK ZIMMERMANN RESPONDED TO MY TWEETS

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Johnson**

>do you need me to crash the Haus's  
Wifi so Shitty doesn't see those  
tweets?

>Yes please. Thanks.

>it’s done.

_Two weeks later_

**Jitty Friend Date Deets!!!**

_Eric Bittle_

>Ransom… Holster…

>Care to explain?

_Lardo_

>what did they do now.

_Eric Bittle_

>So I came back from my last class  
to hear Ransom and Holster chanting  
TOUCH TIPS TOUCH TIPS

>And I am like “what the heck? are they  
having a threesome at 5:00 in the   
evening?

>It gets louder to the point of screaming  
so I head upstairs. There’s no sock on the  
door so I assume it’s ok for me to go in.

>Now what do I see?

>Ransom and Holster edging their bare feet  
forward whilst chanting.

>When their feet connected they started   
cellying.

_Ransom_

>mandatory d-man bonding time.

_Holster_

>It’s necessary to keep the bond

_Shitty_

>GREAT STORY

>MY TURN

>JACK ZIMMERMAN LARISSA DUAN

>FUCK YOU

[selfie of shitty covered in grape jelly]

>IT ISNT EVEN GOOD JAM

_Eric Bittle_

>SHITTY B KNIGHT

>IT IS JELLY AND YOU KNOW IT

_Holster_

>What the fuck happened

_Ransom_

>deeeeeets!

_Lardo_

>[video]

_in the video_

_author continues to be shit at traditional writing while simultaneously flexing his basic theater knowledge_

[view of tub, it is wrapped in plastic wrap and duct tape and filled with smucker’s strawberry and grape jelly]

lardo: [laughing]

shitty, out of frame: AUGH JACK HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME I AM NOT GOING TO PUT ON PANTS

jack: shits seriously if you’re in my apartment you gotta wear pants

shitty: NO

jack: ok that's it

[shitty and jack in jack’s bedroom, jack has lifted shitty up over his shoulders. shitty is, like usual, in boxers, and jack is in all black with a black beanie]

jack: come here shits it's time for a bath

lardo, deadpan: bath time is nigh

shitty: [continual failed struggling] THIS IS HARDLY FAIR YOU ARE USING YOUR PRO ATHLETE STRENGTH

jack: this is plenty fair for embarrassing me on national television

shitty: I APOLOGIZED

jack: i never accepted it

shitty: fair

[shitty tries to smack jack one more time before he is unceremoniously thrown into the tub, jelly goes everywhere]

shitty: [unholy screeching] HOLY FUCKING SHIT CHRIST IT’S COLD

jack: haha

jack: oh no my tub

shitty: [trying to get out, is held back in by jack] YOU MONSTER! LARDO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

lardo: recording you

shitty: WAIT UNTIL BITTY HEARS ABOUT YOUR TRAVESTY AGAINST JAM

jack: it’s actually jelly, and he will ignore you. you know how he gets.

shitty: YOU KNOW BETTER THAN ME NOW GET OFF

jack: [lets shitty go] ok.

shitty: [bellows and lunges for jack]

[camera begins to shake like the recorder is running. door slams and jack is seen holding it shut.]

jack: that was something eh?

lardo: YOUR PHONE IS ON THE COUNTER I AM NOT OPENING THIS DOOR UNTIL YOU SEND US PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE YOU’RE CLEAN AND THAT DOES NOT MEAN A DICK PIC EVEN THOUGH I MIGHT LIKE THAT SOME OTHER TIME

shitty: [muffled through door] FUCK YOU BOTH FOR ASSUMING I’D DO THAT WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT

jack: LOVE YOU TOO SHITS

lardo: YOU CAN GET MY CONSENT LATER BITCH

[video ends]

_Shitty_

>I’M CLEAN NOW

>FUCK YOU

_Holster_

>Oh my god i’m crying

_Ransom_

>that belongs in the louvre.

_Nursey_

>that could be your final project.

>pure art.

_Dex_

>i have to agree with you on that.

_Lardo_

>i reviewed it there's nothing outing in  
there do you want me to send it to the  
falcs pr it’ll be hilarious

>You know what?

>Why not.

_Lardo_

>ok it’s been done

_Shitty_

>i cant wait for falcs fans to see how  
much of assholes you are

**Alexei Mashkov**

>tiny artist sent me video of you and  
shitty

>so good

>please let me tweet

>If PR says it’s ok

>PR already said yes

  
  


_one week later_

**Alexei Mashkov ✓** @tinykartoshka7

@jackzimmer1 courtesy of @lduanart

[video]

**How Alexei Mashkov and Jack Zimmermann Broke the Internet**

_Shitty_

>GUYS AND LARDO

_Lardo_

>what

_Shitty_

>BUZZFEED WROTE AN ARTICLE  
ABOUT YOUR ASSHOLERY

_Lardo_

>oh shit????

_Shitty_

>[www.buzzfeed.com](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23085622)

_Holster_

>HAHA OH MY GOD

_Ransom_

>THAT IS SO GOOD

_Lardo_

>thanks i hate it

_Nursey_

>ewwwwww

_Shitty_

>fucking buzzfeed illusion of tolerance   
but in reality cesspool of encouraged   
infighting and douchebaggery

>they’re like any other news site but  
more brain dead

_Lardo_

>can i get a collective fuck buzzfeed

_Shitty_

>no brah FUCK THE MEDIA

>It’s ok man I’ll live.

_Lardo_

>yeah that’s better

>fuck the media

_Ransom_

>fuck the media.

_Holster_

>Fuck the media

_Eric Bittle_

>The media sucks yeah ;-;

_Nursey_

>FUCK THE MEDIA

_Dex_

>fuck the media

_Chowder_

>fuck the media

_Dex_

>yo nurse that was the opposite of   
chill

_Nursey_

>fuck off

_Tangredi (“Tango”)_

>what’s happening???

>oh. 

>fuck the media.

_Eric Bittle_

>finally got with the program eh?

_Shitty_

>EH?????

_Lardo_

>eh

>fine

_Holster_

>Eh

_Nursey_

>eh

_Dex_

>eh

_Tangredi (“Tango”)_

>eh??

_Ransom_

>don't diss the eh but also that is so  
weird coming from you don't ever do  
that again.

>Is this what it was like when I said   
y'all?

**Author's Note:**

> please comment i need serotonin


End file.
